IDIOPATHIC CARDIOMYOPATHY DCM

I've heart disease, called IDIOPATHIC CARDIOMYOPATHY (dilated type) DCM. Do you know that? If I can a heart graft, I'll be fine. But in Japan, it's very difficult things. Japanese have good medical science, maybe heart graft will be succeed. But donor is a few, our thinking is... I don't know how to say, but I think there's religion is related. So my heart is not fix for now. But I take many medicines every morning and evening, and I've ICD in my body, ICD is like a pacemaker. ICD's company is MEDTRONIC. I've had heart attack many times, but ICD saved me many times.
How do you think my life? Am I happy or not? It's easy question. I know I'm happy because I've house (actually my parent's house), I can to eat every day, and my friends take me go out, they're good friends, and I've sweet familly. But sometimes I think I'm not happy because I'm idiot. Like this my life from 7 years ago to now. I had job in few years, I had boyfirends. But in 3 year, my life is not good, I had heart attack, I needed to operate to put ICD in my body, I needed to take strong medicines... and now, I can't to work, I can go out but not everyday, no money, by strong medicine. If I'm not idiot, I'll be able to live how different like now, probably. I've to find out the way or make the way.